Viking: Battle For Asgard (PS3)

Well then, having been handed this game for free with the words "its shit. utter shit, even you will get bored of it before you finish it" still ringing in my ears I sat down to play through the "cheap-suit cheap-suit" RPG game Viking: Battle For Asgard.

The game is Fable 2 without the good bits and without the questionably good bits (aka magic, character customisation, and variety of game play) In fact I'm fairly sure the graphics engine is the same/damn similar as models move and interact in similar ways to Peter Molyneux's greatest achievement (in my opinion, its the only game he's ever done I've truly enjoyed) There are however some visual face-plants. Cutscenes are either in game graphics and none of the character's lips move nor do they show any hint of interaction with each other, or a badly put together "Wii'y" slide show of sketchy art work narrated by BRIAN BLESSED (its in all of his contracts that his name is always written in capitals. I don't make the rules) Another odd hole in the game would be the character design for the protagonist, Skarin. He wields an axe in his left hand and a sword in his right and yet for some reason the developers chose to put his scabbard on the left shoulder.......can't even begin to formulate a reason why.

Combat time. Against only a handful of unshielded enemies, combat is fun in the early stages of the game, but your health is too low to take more than a few hits. Once shielded and berserker enemies become commonplace the combat is more akin to "shitshitshitshit can i pull of this combo and then dodge that counterattack before those three big dudes rape my health" I was juggled to death by 4 shielded enemies as i didn't have the time to use a heavy attack and break any shields. However as soon as certain combos have been learnt at the arena you can, well, make enemies explode. Nuff said really. Other combat issues are related to mini boss fights, champions or giants. After enough damage has been done quick time events are used to finish off the enemies. Champions have three sets of QTEs whilst giants only have one.......which is also how you finish of the final boss. This is ridiculously lazy on the developers half. There is an element of magic thrown in for good measure as well. Mana is collected from defeated enemies and can be released through weapon runes as either fire, ice or lightening. These powers are most useful to bolster allies during battles as opposed to being in any way useful during combat. OK, yes, you can either drain mana slowly and help allies or get rid of it in one go with a more "powerful" move (ice = freezes enemies touching you [shit], lightening = lifts one enemy in the air and damages it [less shit] fire = flamethrower in front of you, weak but sets enemies on fire [passably good]) I very rarely used magic outside of each island's final battle to help my allies. Also, irritating beyond belief, it takes about 40 enemies to fill your mana bar. On tap of R2 and O and it all drains away with no way to stop it.

OK game play. In all essence a free roam game in which objectives are given in a linear fashion and all have to be completed in order to attack the stronghold on each island. These objectives are always...ALWAYS rescue a longboat full of hairy bikers with axes where they're faces should be, liberate a quarry/siege works to acquire the necessary equipment to assault the strong holds and a farm to provide you with healing potions to be bought from each of the three island's markets. Despite being the same every time these quests are not so time intensive to become boring. Other points worth mentioning are related to the game's fast travel system - leystones. These serve as not only in-game save points upon discovery, not only as teleport units for fast travel but they also serve as annoyingly located respawn points which are inevitably irritatingly far away from your current objective. The developers of this game obviously have some sort of under the table deal going down with arthritis pill companies. Instead of just simply holding circle to untie captives or activate leystones rapid, bone-shattering mashing of the button is required. This annoyed me more than anything else in this game. And hurt me. My thumb hurts because of playing this game. There is also an obvious last minute addition of "stealth." I say it like that because creeping around a fortress with a character with an obvious penchant for gymnastics who takes every opportunity to mount any beam, fence, barrel, donkey, RIGHT when the enemy patrol is the other side of it. This smacks of a lack of test gaming. Speaking of last minute additions, currency comes in the form of gold found in sacks, chests or jars across the three islands. They flash making the entire "treasure hunt" game play element I so enjoyed from games like Uncharted, redundant. And to add salty semen into the already rape-raw gaping stab wound of failure that was my last point.......on each island you can buy CHEAP MAPS which display all gold sites as blips on the minimap. Why even bother......

In the end though, gallivanting about islands freeing vikings to raise an army is cool. No other word for it really. The dragon powers are under developed, just like everything else in the game, but its still enjoyable burning legions of enemy forces from the sky. I would never have paid money for this game, so with that it has evidently failed its main purpose. Saying that, I did manage to last the entire game and still wanted to play it. More than can be said for the previous owner, that ADHD ridden-bastard.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Righty, so most of you have probably seen the Depp infested glittery, silver-screen version of this dark tale. I, however, have just this very eve returned from seeing the story told in a brilliant and most entertaining way.

A friend of mine said to me afterwards, when producing a play there are three important factors to remember for the audience; they have to understand, appreciate and enjoy what they have paid good money to see. All three were achieved and then some by the cast of Phoenix Rising Theatre Company in their first performance of a string of seven shows in six days.

Twelve hours of rehearsals a day, two and a quarter hour performance every evening under hot lights and judging audiences. I know I would never have the perseverance nor guts to do something like that, so already actors have my utmost respect. I was surprised and delighted to see one of my closest friends ,with no acting experience to speak of, get up on stage in full costume and make up to have his throat slit by Sweeney mere hours after meeting the cast.

OK then, firstly, this play is a musical, and from what I can tell a pretty demanding one vocally at some points. There were four actors from the performance that i felt particularly came across as strong confident singers; Sweeny, Mrs Lovett, Anthony and Joanna. The numbers range from lyrically powerful ballads about the death of Sweeney's wife, to Anthony and Joanna confessing their love, to Mrs Lovett and Sweeney cracking jokes about who's in the pies. Even the comedy pieces were well sung and actually understandable. Something I've found with musicals in the past is sometimes making out the words to most of the songs becomes to difficult to do, and thus the story too difficult to follow. I had never seen a play nor film of the Todd story and I understood everything perfectly.

Secondly, the immersion of the audience within the ballad of woe that is the story, "Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd, His skin was pale and his eye was odd" was a brilliant opening line. Now Phoenix Rising take no credit for the score nor the lyrics but i felt that warranted mentioning. The cast, on several occasions, walked amongst the audience, Sweeney offered me a shave (I declined) and i gave imaginary coins to a beggar-woman. This makes the play seem that little bit more accessible in my opinion. I was sat close to the stage but having actors walking amongst you does indeed add to the feeling of involvement.

Thirdly, the musical accompaniment, in the form of a subterranean twelve piece orchestra, was brilliant. The music to songs, the music between songs, the music whilst stage hands in steel-toed boots heft furniture around......all was very fitting and very elegantly played.

I honestly have nothing bad to say about this! I don't pretend to be a theatre critic (I have it on good authority and ACTUAL critic was present at this performance, I doubt he was disappointed!) but from the few plays I have seen this is certainly very high up the rankings. Bearing in mind it was produced, directed, acted, costumed, everything'ed by a cast and crew aged around 20. None too shabby.

Fanboys (2008)

So at first glance this appears to be yet another teen comedy running in the same vein as Superbad, Pineapple Express, Knocked Up and the like (AKA anything with Seth Rogan) HOWEVER it is this, but so much more my friends.

The age old question; who shot first, Greedo or Han? Well in my opinion it was neither. It was Ernest Cline when he wrote this masterpiece of nerd heaven. Its very probable that Star Wars fans the world over were having the same fantasy of seeing Episode I before its release, so much so that MUMS the world over had to regularly clean ominous white stains off Darth Vader bedsheets whilst hoping to god their 22 year old son still living at home had been with an actually girl and not just jacking it over that gold bikini again. SO, the review.

The film's plot is based around a group of 5 friends, all obsessed with Star Wars, and their age old plan to break into the Lucas Ranch, CA and steal a rough copy of Episode I: The Phantom Menace before its official cinema release. The group is made up of: Windows, the classic nerdy looking guy, glasses, skinny, greasy hair, online "life partner." Hutch, the big hairy Rush fan who dresses and acts like Han Solo throughout the film and has one testicle (unlike Harrison Ford, I hasten to add, I can't deal with anymore lawsuits god damnit) Zoe, the typical nerdy girl character, hot beyond belief but none of the guys can see it and a bit of a tomboy. Linus (which i think is a dig at Linux but there we go) an ordinary looking bloke who just so happens to *SPOILER WARNING* have cancer and wont last til the release of Episode I and Eric, the nerd who left it all behind to work for his father selling cars and hasn't spoken to Linus for 3 years.

Once Eric finds out about Linus'....."situation" the plan is put back on and the gang pile into Hutch's van, (kitted out like the Millennium Falcon even down to sound effects and everything very well done in my humble opinion) and head on out to California. Window's life partner says she can provide them with floor plans and other insider information to get them into the Lucas Ranch so they arrange to meet her in Texas. However, Hutch has other ideas and makes a detour to Riverside, Iowa the fabled future birthplace of one James Tiberius Kirk, to basically bash some Trekkies.

In comes the big guns Rogan. Rogan plays 3 separate roles in the film: a Trekkie Admiral, a redneck pimp and an alien. Thank god the film isn't based around him for once i might add. Rogan's input is good. Funny, well timed, balance and all together the RIGHT amount of Rogan, much like in Superbad. Anyways, the long and the short of it is he calls Solo a bitch and Hutch kicks his ass. Nice little segue.

Back on the road the guys get a flat and end up in a gay biker bar stripping for 20 hairy bikers. They are indeed saved by "The Chief" (Danny Trejo, who seems to have been in everything from Con-Air, Stargate Atlantis, Desperate Housewives, Spy Kids, Planet Terror you name it, he's been the Mexican of questionable intentions in it!) "The Chief likes to refer to himself in the third person, it confuses people. Especially bitches" made me larf lotsly. With the wheel fixed the guys roll out to Texas.

Dun dun dun. Hutch is caught speeding by the police (officer played by Joe Lo Truglio from Superbad) and attempts to out run them using his "hyperspace" button (NOx) and the 4 guys end up in jail. Zoe bails them out and joins the quest, but not until Hutch has spread a ham and cheese sandwich over a prison toilet and crapped a stonker right in front of the rest of the guys. Nice. Oh, the judge who acquits them of charges also happens to be Billy Dee Williams (Lando Callrisian) I'm just saying, OK, just saying.........bit of a dude.

Onwards to Texas to meet their contact "Red Leader" who inevitably turns out to be a 10 year old girl, and a fugly one at that. Window's gets beaten up by her uncle (played by My Name Is Earl's Ethan Suplee) who just so happens to be the owner of the biggest nerd forum site, they are forced to offer him exclusive spoilers once they've seen the film and he lets them go, telling them to travel to Trek-Kon in Vegas and ask for "scruffy nerf-herder."

Cameo appearances from Kevin Smith as a pimp for Jason Mewes, a rent boy,and his customer, Zak Knutson, in a truck stop bathroom. That is all.

In Vegas, Hutch and Windows end up fooling around with hookers and then running for their lives, Linus and Eric get into the Trek-Kon and meet "scruffy nerf-herder" who obviously turns out to be none other than William FUCKING Shatner. "I can score anything: I'm William Shatner" Shatner provides the necessary info to get the gang into the Ranch. During the escape from Roach the pimp (Rogan) and Admiral Seasholtz (Rogan) and his full USS Enterprise crew of expendable extras Linus ends up falling out of the van and ends up in hospital. Here comes another of the epic cameos. Carrie "Help Me Obi-Wan Kenobi" Fisher is the attending who treats Linus, an argument ensues and they escape from hospital. But not before Linus snogs Leia. WIN.

The sequences in the Ranch are basically porn for Lucasites. The group manage to get all the way into the vault containing a vast amount original props and costumes from Lucas films, Darth Vader suit, Indie's hat, Solo's blaster etc. Security catches them. Now when I say security I mean FUCKING DARTH MAUL. It is indeed Ray Park the original Maul, several references and a short lightsaber fight later the gang are captured and detained. Lucas decides that they can go, if they prove they are indeed Fanboys. Testing of each character begins based on Star Wars and sex acts. This could have been developed so much more into a major comedic piece in my opinion, it is also obvious that the security chief was written for Rogan but 4 roles is far too much Rogan all over my face, I mean in one movie.

So they don't get to see the movie. Well Linus does but then he dies so it doesn't matter anyway, right? Wrong. Surprisingly for a film of this genre, with these actors, there is quite a bit of emotion plugged into his character and story line and it has been executed well. So the four remaining characters camp out and wait for the movie to open, watch it and thus ends the film.

Overall, entertaining, well written and cast with a ridiculous list of cameos. Peppered with nerdy references and story sections that make this THE nerd comedy of the last few years. The main 5 actors are all relativly unknown with little acting experience or big screen roles and yet all of them handled themselves well, there was no lacking in acting talent for sure. Thoroughly enjoyable film, so long as you know your ewoks from your tribbles.