Haze (PS3)

I LIKED HAZE! Unlike 100% of all other people i know who played it. So, gentle reader. Bear with me on this one.

Haze is yet another super-soldier, super-future, super-gimick, super-fail game to be released on the PS3. You play Shane Carpenter, a green horn fresh from college who signed up to be "in the right place at the right time when bad shit happens." The force he signed up to was Mantel, a bunch of "oorah" stereotypical yank grunts with shiny yellow armour and more man hormone than a entire Red Bull factory. Mantel have been called into an unnamed South American country to locate and depose a local warlord named Gabriel "Skin Coat" Merino and his guerrilla force The Promised Hand. Spin and propaganda that would make Piers Morgan blush has been implemented to make out The Promised Hand are guilty of "ethnic cleansing and crimes against humanity" and hence in roll the Hell's Custard Pudding Chapter of the Space Marines.

The gimick that this game sells itself on, and to an extent hides behind screaming "I'm different! I'm different i swear! Looooooove me....?" is Nectar. This performance enhancing drug is one part underwearof one Usain Bolt, two parts Chuck Norris beard fibres plus a smidgen of Lou Ferrigno's ball sweat. This culminates in a drug that allows you to amble slightly faster, absorb damage like you're wearing a warm, wet paper bag and see hiding enemies using the patented Custard Cream-o-Vision. This is fairly useless i found, and i only really used it to find that last pesky Deigo hiding in the undergrowth of brown, brown and futherly brown (and poorly made) scenery.

The game, in total, took me 2 days to complete and I'd probably say 6-8 hours of solid gameplay. This is frighteningly short in my opinion, and is one of the points that carries the games main flaw of serious underdevelopment. If Halo 2 is downtown Tokyo, Haze is Mogdishu. If Crysis is New York City, Haze is Anchorage. If Killzone 2 is London, Haze is Droitwich. You get the point. FUCKING LAZY DEVELOPERS. Theres the angry bit. Onwards!

After about two hours of playing for The Sherbert Lemon Brigade Carpenter is captured and "persuaded" to switch sides by way of an epiphany involving a lack of Nectar and a missing finger. This is when the game becomes fun, and oddly enough deviate entirely from the one gimicky idea that made it stand out; Nectar and using it to kick ass. As a rebel you have access to......fuck all. The trade off is awful, and yet the game is suddenly more enjoyable. I found myself getting amongst a group of Mantel soldiers and flicking "Razor Tongues" (throwing knives) like babies outta Kerry Katona's Channel Tunnel of a vagina. Abstract but nonetheless included.

Weapons. So here we come to the second of our lazy development points. There are only 5 weapon types; assault rifle, sniper rifle, shotgun, missile launcher and special (Mantel get a freaking awesome Magnum and The Promised Hand get throwing knives) and in a simple act of "ctrl + c, ctrl + v and then swap some stats around" each side has their own version. For example, the standard G36c looky-likey assault rifle for Mantel carried 30 rounds in a clip an can carry 6 clips totally 180 rounds maximum. The Promised Hand's AR can hold 50 in a clip and carry 4 clips, a total of 200 rounds. BUT its useless. Shotguns are also pathetic, and a usual weapon of choice for me, the sniper rifle, is practically non-existent. I found 3 during the entire game. The pistol and knives were my most used combination as when stationary the pistol is a one shot kill at quite some range, and lets just face it knives are cool.

Vehicles, as with most super soldier clone games, suck. Awful handling and level design for vehicle sections. Drive from point A to point B and fuck all else. A choice between odd Aygo looking Marine Buggy, quad bike or banged up Hilux with a MG is your lot, and usually its no choice just hope the vehicle survives the stupid amount of mortar/mines on the tight, twisty level.
Visuals are just about PS3 standard, would have thought they looked more 360 standard, especially scenery graphics. Storyline is probably the best they could make of the original idea, and the douche bag marines are sooo easy to hate and therefore enjoy killing.

A few minor points. NPC have a habit of exclaiming their delight at various things, three different things to be precise. Over. And Over. During cutscenes. Even when you go round and put them out of their misery with a well aimed knife throw they CONTINUE to go on and on about the plight of their dusty shite-hole of a country. At least the marine's threw snappy one liners like "i might just be the baddest mother fucker on the planet" and "my mom would be so proud if she could see me now." Another irritating point is lack of a conclusion. In the end you destroy one "land carrier" which is effectively a massive rolling aircraft carrier ploughing its way through the rain forest pissing off Green Peace, and we're supposed to believe that was all Mantel sent?! I personally destroyed at least 8 drop ships and the deck of the carrier can only hold 5 possibly 6 at a time. This is odd. Coupled with being able to waltze up to Mr Big Dick, Evil Inc. and knife his face off in 5 seconds flat does not make for a pants moistening finalé.

Considering I paid £9 for it I'm not too fussed about it being just about entertaining. It was far from stand out special, more "stand in the corner, Timmy, and stop dribbling" special. Play it if your mate is stupid enough to buy it. DO NOT BUY IT, unless you're one of those douches that owns games for the sake of it or for weekend activities like seeing how many discs you can fit your knob through at once. My record is 1. I only got Fallout 3 back after a long argument with the A & E department. Its not the same, it doesn't look at me during anymore.

Vantage Point (2008)

Vantage Point is a snappy, crisp and true to the genre action film with refreshing direction and gripping plot. Oh and the massive over-tones of Captain America punching Ay-rab Abdul in the face once more, but this time en Espagne! Imagine, if you will, "Patriot Games 2: Costa Del Sol Editon"

So, this was the first big screen adventure to be made off the back of Lost. Matthew Fox (Lost....uh extra in Smokin' Aces and nothing else) plays a secret service agent and body guard to the visiting president. Dennis "fucking" Quaid (G.I. Joe, Any Given Sunday) is Fox's partner who has just come back to service who proceeded to shit his iron-clad American balls out after taking a bullet for El Presidenté a year previous and is a tad shaky on the job. Forest Whitaker (Platoon, Last King Of Scotland) is Howard Lewis a tourist with a camcorder. Sigourney Weaver (Alien...need i say more just worship her) plays the aptly named "GNN" editor who witnesses the assassination from within the film crew's truck, through several cameramen. The other four perspective points are too convoluted to give an overview of without having to write more lines containing multiple *SPOILER WARNINGS* than Judas' mum made him after "that incident at dinner."

The President is shot from a window within the plaza. The same 20 minute or so sequence is shown from 4 different perspectives, adding a new layer of story each time. This effect is new to me, or at least the way it has been executed is, and i think its brilliant. I found myself guessing every few minutes at this and that, it entertained me which is rare with many films these days, being the cynic I am "hype" usually leads to disappointment.

There are several explosions, an epic car chase scene, gun fights and punch ups and all of it is really well done, visually and choreographically. The main plot as well as the good sprinkling of twists are all CLEVER AND ORIGINAL, remember those words, Hollywood, do you? You stinking bag of mediocrity, pumping out carbon copy Ferrel movies like so many alien eggs from the arse of Queen Grouchy McBitch-Pants herself. And to have come from a writer (Barry Levy) and director (Pete Travis) both more obscure than the following reference I shall now make:
"Shal kek nem ron" See? Told you it was obscure. But yes, nice to see new faces with talent instead of Michael Bay blowing shit up or M. Night Shyamalan telling everyone to fear everything....oh and making a film with the word BENDER in the title.

This review, being the first in a good 4 weeks, is short and, I'm sorry, dear readers, but that is because i can't really fault this film. It is by no means a perfect film, but it doesn't over extend itself (see: Setanta business policy) or try and be a film within a film or anything else equally as stupid. It IS the solid floury plot, with 2 well beaten action eggs and a good helping of high caliber milky actors to make the tastiest pancake in the shape of Matthew Fox's grizzled face. I'd eat that pancake, and you should too.

Viking: Battle For Asgard (PS3)

Well then, having been handed this game for free with the words "its shit. utter shit, even you will get bored of it before you finish it" still ringing in my ears I sat down to play through the "cheap-suit cheap-suit" RPG game Viking: Battle For Asgard.

The game is Fable 2 without the good bits and without the questionably good bits (aka magic, character customisation, and variety of game play) In fact I'm fairly sure the graphics engine is the same/damn similar as models move and interact in similar ways to Peter Molyneux's greatest achievement (in my opinion, its the only game he's ever done I've truly enjoyed) There are however some visual face-plants. Cutscenes are either in game graphics and none of the character's lips move nor do they show any hint of interaction with each other, or a badly put together "Wii'y" slide show of sketchy art work narrated by BRIAN BLESSED (its in all of his contracts that his name is always written in capitals. I don't make the rules) Another odd hole in the game would be the character design for the protagonist, Skarin. He wields an axe in his left hand and a sword in his right and yet for some reason the developers chose to put his scabbard on the left shoulder.......can't even begin to formulate a reason why.

Combat time. Against only a handful of unshielded enemies, combat is fun in the early stages of the game, but your health is too low to take more than a few hits. Once shielded and berserker enemies become commonplace the combat is more akin to "shitshitshitshit can i pull of this combo and then dodge that counterattack before those three big dudes rape my health" I was juggled to death by 4 shielded enemies as i didn't have the time to use a heavy attack and break any shields. However as soon as certain combos have been learnt at the arena you can, well, make enemies explode. Nuff said really. Other combat issues are related to mini boss fights, champions or giants. After enough damage has been done quick time events are used to finish off the enemies. Champions have three sets of QTEs whilst giants only have one.......which is also how you finish of the final boss. This is ridiculously lazy on the developers half. There is an element of magic thrown in for good measure as well. Mana is collected from defeated enemies and can be released through weapon runes as either fire, ice or lightening. These powers are most useful to bolster allies during battles as opposed to being in any way useful during combat. OK, yes, you can either drain mana slowly and help allies or get rid of it in one go with a more "powerful" move (ice = freezes enemies touching you [shit], lightening = lifts one enemy in the air and damages it [less shit] fire = flamethrower in front of you, weak but sets enemies on fire [passably good]) I very rarely used magic outside of each island's final battle to help my allies. Also, irritating beyond belief, it takes about 40 enemies to fill your mana bar. On tap of R2 and O and it all drains away with no way to stop it.

OK game play. In all essence a free roam game in which objectives are given in a linear fashion and all have to be completed in order to attack the stronghold on each island. These objectives are always...ALWAYS rescue a longboat full of hairy bikers with axes where they're faces should be, liberate a quarry/siege works to acquire the necessary equipment to assault the strong holds and a farm to provide you with healing potions to be bought from each of the three island's markets. Despite being the same every time these quests are not so time intensive to become boring. Other points worth mentioning are related to the game's fast travel system - leystones. These serve as not only in-game save points upon discovery, not only as teleport units for fast travel but they also serve as annoyingly located respawn points which are inevitably irritatingly far away from your current objective. The developers of this game obviously have some sort of under the table deal going down with arthritis pill companies. Instead of just simply holding circle to untie captives or activate leystones rapid, bone-shattering mashing of the button is required. This annoyed me more than anything else in this game. And hurt me. My thumb hurts because of playing this game. There is also an obvious last minute addition of "stealth." I say it like that because creeping around a fortress with a character with an obvious penchant for gymnastics who takes every opportunity to mount any beam, fence, barrel, donkey, RIGHT when the enemy patrol is the other side of it. This smacks of a lack of test gaming. Speaking of last minute additions, currency comes in the form of gold found in sacks, chests or jars across the three islands. They flash making the entire "treasure hunt" game play element I so enjoyed from games like Uncharted, redundant. And to add salty semen into the already rape-raw gaping stab wound of failure that was my last point.......on each island you can buy CHEAP MAPS which display all gold sites as blips on the minimap. Why even bother......

In the end though, gallivanting about islands freeing vikings to raise an army is cool. No other word for it really. The dragon powers are under developed, just like everything else in the game, but its still enjoyable burning legions of enemy forces from the sky. I would never have paid money for this game, so with that it has evidently failed its main purpose. Saying that, I did manage to last the entire game and still wanted to play it. More than can be said for the previous owner, that ADHD ridden-bastard.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Righty, so most of you have probably seen the Depp infested glittery, silver-screen version of this dark tale. I, however, have just this very eve returned from seeing the story told in a brilliant and most entertaining way.

A friend of mine said to me afterwards, when producing a play there are three important factors to remember for the audience; they have to understand, appreciate and enjoy what they have paid good money to see. All three were achieved and then some by the cast of Phoenix Rising Theatre Company in their first performance of a string of seven shows in six days.

Twelve hours of rehearsals a day, two and a quarter hour performance every evening under hot lights and judging audiences. I know I would never have the perseverance nor guts to do something like that, so already actors have my utmost respect. I was surprised and delighted to see one of my closest friends ,with no acting experience to speak of, get up on stage in full costume and make up to have his throat slit by Sweeney mere hours after meeting the cast.

OK then, firstly, this play is a musical, and from what I can tell a pretty demanding one vocally at some points. There were four actors from the performance that i felt particularly came across as strong confident singers; Sweeny, Mrs Lovett, Anthony and Joanna. The numbers range from lyrically powerful ballads about the death of Sweeney's wife, to Anthony and Joanna confessing their love, to Mrs Lovett and Sweeney cracking jokes about who's in the pies. Even the comedy pieces were well sung and actually understandable. Something I've found with musicals in the past is sometimes making out the words to most of the songs becomes to difficult to do, and thus the story too difficult to follow. I had never seen a play nor film of the Todd story and I understood everything perfectly.

Secondly, the immersion of the audience within the ballad of woe that is the story, "Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd, His skin was pale and his eye was odd" was a brilliant opening line. Now Phoenix Rising take no credit for the score nor the lyrics but i felt that warranted mentioning. The cast, on several occasions, walked amongst the audience, Sweeney offered me a shave (I declined) and i gave imaginary coins to a beggar-woman. This makes the play seem that little bit more accessible in my opinion. I was sat close to the stage but having actors walking amongst you does indeed add to the feeling of involvement.

Thirdly, the musical accompaniment, in the form of a subterranean twelve piece orchestra, was brilliant. The music to songs, the music between songs, the music whilst stage hands in steel-toed boots heft furniture around......all was very fitting and very elegantly played.

I honestly have nothing bad to say about this! I don't pretend to be a theatre critic (I have it on good authority and ACTUAL critic was present at this performance, I doubt he was disappointed!) but from the few plays I have seen this is certainly very high up the rankings. Bearing in mind it was produced, directed, acted, costumed, everything'ed by a cast and crew aged around 20. None too shabby.

Fanboys (2008)

So at first glance this appears to be yet another teen comedy running in the same vein as Superbad, Pineapple Express, Knocked Up and the like (AKA anything with Seth Rogan) HOWEVER it is this, but so much more my friends.

The age old question; who shot first, Greedo or Han? Well in my opinion it was neither. It was Ernest Cline when he wrote this masterpiece of nerd heaven. Its very probable that Star Wars fans the world over were having the same fantasy of seeing Episode I before its release, so much so that MUMS the world over had to regularly clean ominous white stains off Darth Vader bedsheets whilst hoping to god their 22 year old son still living at home had been with an actually girl and not just jacking it over that gold bikini again. SO, the review.

The film's plot is based around a group of 5 friends, all obsessed with Star Wars, and their age old plan to break into the Lucas Ranch, CA and steal a rough copy of Episode I: The Phantom Menace before its official cinema release. The group is made up of: Windows, the classic nerdy looking guy, glasses, skinny, greasy hair, online "life partner." Hutch, the big hairy Rush fan who dresses and acts like Han Solo throughout the film and has one testicle (unlike Harrison Ford, I hasten to add, I can't deal with anymore lawsuits god damnit) Zoe, the typical nerdy girl character, hot beyond belief but none of the guys can see it and a bit of a tomboy. Linus (which i think is a dig at Linux but there we go) an ordinary looking bloke who just so happens to *SPOILER WARNING* have cancer and wont last til the release of Episode I and Eric, the nerd who left it all behind to work for his father selling cars and hasn't spoken to Linus for 3 years.

Once Eric finds out about Linus'....."situation" the plan is put back on and the gang pile into Hutch's van, (kitted out like the Millennium Falcon even down to sound effects and everything very well done in my humble opinion) and head on out to California. Window's life partner says she can provide them with floor plans and other insider information to get them into the Lucas Ranch so they arrange to meet her in Texas. However, Hutch has other ideas and makes a detour to Riverside, Iowa the fabled future birthplace of one James Tiberius Kirk, to basically bash some Trekkies.

In comes the big guns Rogan. Rogan plays 3 separate roles in the film: a Trekkie Admiral, a redneck pimp and an alien. Thank god the film isn't based around him for once i might add. Rogan's input is good. Funny, well timed, balance and all together the RIGHT amount of Rogan, much like in Superbad. Anyways, the long and the short of it is he calls Solo a bitch and Hutch kicks his ass. Nice little segue.

Back on the road the guys get a flat and end up in a gay biker bar stripping for 20 hairy bikers. They are indeed saved by "The Chief" (Danny Trejo, who seems to have been in everything from Con-Air, Stargate Atlantis, Desperate Housewives, Spy Kids, Planet Terror you name it, he's been the Mexican of questionable intentions in it!) "The Chief likes to refer to himself in the third person, it confuses people. Especially bitches" made me larf lotsly. With the wheel fixed the guys roll out to Texas.

Dun dun dun. Hutch is caught speeding by the police (officer played by Joe Lo Truglio from Superbad) and attempts to out run them using his "hyperspace" button (NOx) and the 4 guys end up in jail. Zoe bails them out and joins the quest, but not until Hutch has spread a ham and cheese sandwich over a prison toilet and crapped a stonker right in front of the rest of the guys. Nice. Oh, the judge who acquits them of charges also happens to be Billy Dee Williams (Lando Callrisian) I'm just saying, OK, just saying.........bit of a dude.

Onwards to Texas to meet their contact "Red Leader" who inevitably turns out to be a 10 year old girl, and a fugly one at that. Window's gets beaten up by her uncle (played by My Name Is Earl's Ethan Suplee) who just so happens to be the owner of the biggest nerd forum site, they are forced to offer him exclusive spoilers once they've seen the film and he lets them go, telling them to travel to Trek-Kon in Vegas and ask for "scruffy nerf-herder."

Cameo appearances from Kevin Smith as a pimp for Jason Mewes, a rent boy,and his customer, Zak Knutson, in a truck stop bathroom. That is all.

In Vegas, Hutch and Windows end up fooling around with hookers and then running for their lives, Linus and Eric get into the Trek-Kon and meet "scruffy nerf-herder" who obviously turns out to be none other than William FUCKING Shatner. "I can score anything: I'm William Shatner" Shatner provides the necessary info to get the gang into the Ranch. During the escape from Roach the pimp (Rogan) and Admiral Seasholtz (Rogan) and his full USS Enterprise crew of expendable extras Linus ends up falling out of the van and ends up in hospital. Here comes another of the epic cameos. Carrie "Help Me Obi-Wan Kenobi" Fisher is the attending who treats Linus, an argument ensues and they escape from hospital. But not before Linus snogs Leia. WIN.

The sequences in the Ranch are basically porn for Lucasites. The group manage to get all the way into the vault containing a vast amount original props and costumes from Lucas films, Darth Vader suit, Indie's hat, Solo's blaster etc. Security catches them. Now when I say security I mean FUCKING DARTH MAUL. It is indeed Ray Park the original Maul, several references and a short lightsaber fight later the gang are captured and detained. Lucas decides that they can go, if they prove they are indeed Fanboys. Testing of each character begins based on Star Wars and sex acts. This could have been developed so much more into a major comedic piece in my opinion, it is also obvious that the security chief was written for Rogan but 4 roles is far too much Rogan all over my face, I mean in one movie.

So they don't get to see the movie. Well Linus does but then he dies so it doesn't matter anyway, right? Wrong. Surprisingly for a film of this genre, with these actors, there is quite a bit of emotion plugged into his character and story line and it has been executed well. So the four remaining characters camp out and wait for the movie to open, watch it and thus ends the film.

Overall, entertaining, well written and cast with a ridiculous list of cameos. Peppered with nerdy references and story sections that make this THE nerd comedy of the last few years. The main 5 actors are all relativly unknown with little acting experience or big screen roles and yet all of them handled themselves well, there was no lacking in acting talent for sure. Thoroughly enjoyable film, so long as you know your ewoks from your tribbles.

Bangkok Dangerous (2008)

Shut it. I'm a fan of Nicolas Cage through and through and this film is a testament to his talent......which is then smothered in poor story and direction.

Ok, overview. Cage is Joe; an assassin who is completely removed from life, people, relationships everything apart from the job. He has 4 rules he sticks to, the same old "hard man" ethics that Stathem, Oliphant and Jones do so much better. Joe is asked to do 4 jobs in Bangkok, the films begins with him setting himself up with a stately home, a few super bikes and a local contact, Kong, (Shahkrit Yamnarm) a street dealer whom Joe pays for deliveries and information.

This thread of the story is good quality action film material. Everything, however, goes a little Soviet-Constructed-Reactor when writers/directors Pang & Pang attempt to introduce romance to BOTH Joe and Kong at the same time. Kong hits on a stripper, Joe awkwardly attempts to bump uglies with a deaf or mute (i can't tell from the film) pharmacist's assistant. This is awful. No other way to put it. It's obviously an attempt to show a human side to Joe as well as a caring more romantic side to Kong. Quite honestly it detracts from the gravitas of the film, effectively showing Joe in two very different lights which don't mesh well at all.

The "local talent" of Thai actors are the saving grace of this film. Mob bosses, support actors and general cast are all very talented actors and deserve credit for their performances in supporting Cage through this difficult film. Interestingly enough Cage is listed as a Producer. This might explain why his role in the film is less the "classic Cage" we know and (I) love and more emotionally accessible.

It's an 18 for 4 scenes of bloody violence in the film and nothing else, nearly no sex, very little swearing etc which raises the question why not play the gore card more? There are plenty of opportunities to make the shoot-outs more like "Lucky Number Sleven" or "Shooting Aces" - in my opinion it should be a 12 if you wipe away the blood splatters.

The action elements, chase scenes, gun fights etc are adequate but clichéd. A motorbike chasing a boat along a tight river is not exactly The Matrix style originality. The final sequence however is different, very well acted and very well directed - a gleaming gem in the film.

A film for torrenting if action films are your thing, i wouldn't pay money for it in cinemas nor rent it. Defiantly not one to add to the Cage Collection of Gold though, which for me contains the National Treasure films, Next, Ghost Rider, Face/Off and Knowing (feel free to hate me from a distance for those choices)

Psychoville

From the dark and frankly disgusting minds of Jeremy Dyson, Steve Pemberton, Mark Gatiss and Reece Shearsmith, the creators of "The League of Gentlemen" series comes this new 6-part dark comedy.

It is indeed nothing short of horrific. David and Maureen Sowerbutts are mother and son serial killers attempting to cover up David's accidental killing at work. Mr Jelly the one-handed grumbling children's entertainer who drives a banged up hearse and who's life is constantly overshadowed by Mr Jolly, another clown. Robert a psychic dwarf in love with Snow White. Oscar Lomax, a blind old man fighting with conjoined twins over a Beanie Baby collection with the aid of a community appointed helper whom he calls Tea Leaf, and last and most disturbingly Joy (Dawn French) a midwife convinced her doll is her son, little Freddie Fruitcake, and her attempts to bring him to life.

The story is sickening, and at some points downright vomit-worthy. AND STILL i laugh out loud at every episode. The amount of humour injected at the most gut-wrenching bloody moments manages to captivate me.

For example, David and Maureen's characters have agreed to meet David's old boss in a waxwork museum of serial killers (David is obsessed with serial killers) As he is deciding how to snuff his old boss the manikins come alive and give him advice. One says acid, one says drowning and eventually they burst into full song and dance over the matter. This is so hauntingly eerie and hilarious at the same time. Its almost perverse humour, you find yourself laughing and yet feel the same feeling one might get for taking delight at an old biddy tumbling down concrete stairs. Its not funny......unless she got paid £200 for the clip by Jeremy Beadle (God rest his soul)

This series is still available on BBCiPlayr, with the finale next Thursday night at 10pm on BBC1, though i would stress you have to be a fan of the old "Edward and Tubbs" characters from The League of Gentlemen and their brand of humour. A Butcher who secretly serves human meat, a transsexual cab driver and a pair of shop keepers who have lock their son in the basement.

It's so far removed from most main stream comedy available at the moment it's brilliant. I must admit i am a slight magpie for the shiny new and different things in life and so i might be a little infatuated with Psychoville but i still think it's worth a watch or at least a try.

"I'm not a dwarf, I'm a lesbian!" - Frankie Boyle, Mock The Week, Thursday 23rd july 2009