If I Were A Pirate...

I must begin by stating, with the exception of this disclaimer, the content of this post is directly quoted from a friend of mine, I added the images for lols. We shall call him 'Mr E' (Mystery, geddit?).

So, I've been a pirate pretty much constantly since I was desperate to have my own copy of Hitman: Blood Money, which I had failed to finish at a friend's house back in 2006. After torrenting 4 different copies of the Spanish demo, I finally got the hang of spotting a decent torrent from a virus-filled pile of troll, mounting and burning iso files and cracking the installs. Since then I've probably downloaded thousands of episodes of TV shows, films, albums and games. By far the biggest contributor to those numbers has to be TV. The regular shows I'm addicted to that only air in the US; House, Boardwalk Empire, 30 Rock, Californication etc. as well as entire back-catalogues of TV shows such as Lost, Frasier and the Star Trek series.

Some Films Just Repel Money


The films that I download are nearly always the newest DVD releases, usually US rips, which means I can watch them a full few months before the DVD is released in the UK. On occasion, I'll have a craving for a certain film, or as I've been doing recently with Nicolas Cage, torrent every reputable film an actor/director has done in order to binge. Some people justify their torrenting by saying they only torrent "bad movies" that they wouldn't pay to see in the cinema. What they're really saying is "I want to see this, but I don't want you to see me seeing it. Unless it's ironically."

I used to torrent every game I could, the last successful torrent being the point-click Jurassic Park game late last year, but before that there is a yawning gap all the way back to Dawn of War II in 2009. I do not torrent games anymore.

The same goes for music, I tend to either buy physical albums from the bands I adore because I enjoy having an actual copy, usually special edition copies. Sometimes I might hear a song I don't recognise and torrent the album just to listen. If I like it, I keep it and listen a lot. If I don't, it falls into the near-endless bucket that is my iTunes library where I get no enjoyment from it.

So that was me, Pirate King, and my torrenting activities circa 2006-2011. So what's changed? Well, I've been repeatedly enlightened by the wonderful and truly insightful Jim Sterling. He has, with his recent Jimquisition mini-series on Pirating (hosted on The Escapist, check it out), altered my perspective on pirating. I used to be of the mindset that "if it's free, why not?" However, with my new enlightened outlook on the subject, I am disavowing as much torrenting as I can in favour of the On-Demand Revolution.


Here's my piracy situation at present:

--> I barely torrent music anymore, I've bought more CDs in the last year than I have in the last 5

--> I do NOT torrent games anymore, specifically because of Steam (more on that later)

--> I do still torrent some films, but that will change soon

--> I still do and will continue to torrent those regular US-shown TV shows.


And here's why I've changed:


On-Demand is the hot stuff.

I'm sure most people have seen, via Facebook, a few of their friends start a 1 Month free trial with Netflix recently. I signed myself up as well. Now, whilst Netflix UK is only offering a very limited (mostly Bollywood) supply of movies to stream for only £6 a month, the idea really hit home with me. Yes, it's been around for ages, along with it's chief competitors Amazon On-Demand, Hulu, SkyGo, iTunes etc, but I'd never given it much attention because, frankly, it wanted my money and torrenting didn't.

But £6 a month....for all the reasonably new (as well as lots of classic) films and TV shows you could want to watch, streamed straight to your PC or PS3, XBOX, Wii or even your smartphone. That's far too good to ignore.

Currently, Netflix has a dire selection due to licencing issues, but that is set to improve. The other companies I mentioned offer a similar service, however I have yet to explore any of these alternatives. The important point, the revolutionary point, is the business model. It is, as I understand it, thus: Netflix buys a TV show or film from the studios, and distributes it as many times as demand calls for, without expending our planet's natural resources to press and distribute discs. Each member pays a flat rate, so the more members the more Netflix has to spend on procuring more content. It can only get bigger and better. In my mind, the entire company is effectively some servers, a Purchasing department and a PR department. And it's the bloody future.

The same model has been seen for years, iTunes has done exactly the same for the music industry. Since the iTunes Store became the nearly-endless pit of music that it is today music piracy has plummeted, mine included. Now, whilst I don't use the iTunes store, I am a big fan of it. Selling music, games, apps and even films and TV episodes to anyone, regardless of whether they own an 'i' product.

Steam is the exact same model, but for gaming. A digital store which functions by spending money acquiring games, and then selling them endlessly as demand dictates. It has completely removed my desire to torrent ANY game, especially indie games like The Binding of Isaac. I picked this great game up on Steam for £1.85, barely the price of a pint. Why quibble that amount of money? If you say you can't afford to pay that to a bunch of indie developers making such wonderful products and torrent it instead, then what business do you have owning a PC? Surely the several hundred pounds of PC you're reading this on could be better spent elsewhere. £1.85 is so little money I even felt bad after playing the same for nearly 20 hours; I wanted to buy it again, just to give the developers some more money. So I bought it for a friend instead.


Some of you might be thinking why I, currently unemployed and penniless, would be willing to ignore the free option for the paid. The simple answer is convenience. Steam, iTunes, Netflix, they all provide the content for much less than a high street shop, and they do it instantly. Granted, your internet connection might affect that somewhat, but you can't argue with 25% off the RRP of new game titles such as Skyrim and Modern Warfare 3. Or an entire new album for £7.99. Or an entire month of TV and film for £6.

This is a ridiculous thing for people to be ignoring, and why I feel a tad ashamed that I've continued to torrent when services such as this are so readily available. I strongly suggest you head to Netflix and take advantage of their free month trial, just remember they'll begin to charge you automatically after 30 days (though, you can sign up, then cancel the same day, and still use it for the next 30 days). Similarly, if you're a PC gamer and you don't have Steam....well, I can't really believe you exist so I shan't patronise you. And everyone knows about iTunes. [I would post links, but let's face it, we're the Google Generation, do it yourself]


So it would appear that the industry has ever base covered then. Not entirely. There is still the matter of international On-Demand services. Currently, the BBC, ITV, Channel 4 and Five all have on-demand services, but they're not available outside of the UK because of licencing issues; stupid, backwards licencing issues. (Example: did you ever watch live TV at uni on your laptop without a TV licence? Congratulations on breaking the law, I know I did!) The US has similar on-demand services, Hulu, Amazon and iTunes to name a few. The problem, for me at least, is with the lack of international legality. I can't watch The Big Bang Theory legally in the UK without waiting an arbitrary number of weeks for it to be shown on E4, and some shows like House, just don't get shown in the UK, unless you wait 2-3 years and are watching Five during the mid afternoon because you're unemployed.

It seems to me that there is a gaping hole in the market for a company or companies to bridge the gap, legally. Torrenting has been doing it illegally for years now, with my full support. Because of the vast differences between the TV industry in the US and in the UK there is very little compatibility. Were a company such as Netflix to bridge this gap, possibly by charging their members an extra few pounds a month, they could bounce shows from the UK to the US and vice versa. Surprisingly it truly is a two-way street, something that was made very clear by the latest instalment of the BBC series Sherlock. Many Americans enjoy this show, and I'm sure quite a few had to resort to less than legal means in order to watch it.

My take-home message is this; stop torrenting if you have the means to procure your entertainment in a legal fashion. It's always your consumer responsibility to seek out the best deals, but free is not the best deal because of complex economics and pie charts regarding money flow and something called 'synergising backward overflow.' If you haven't got the means to take advantage of these cheaper-than-crotch-shots services, then sell your PC and feed your family.

If you continue to torrent for whatever reason, I'm not judging you in the slightest, but do try to ween yourself off them. Nobody wants the feds breaking down your door at 3am to seize your all-MLP hard drive and count the number of episodes you've watched. Each one takes a year off your life, so I've heard....


Oh, and yes, we all would:

Con Air: A Retrospective.

So it has come to this day, 19th June 2011, when I finally get round to watching Con Air. Let me just say, that my delay should in no way reflect the quality of this film. I'm quite the Cage fanboy, and this film shall now be used as my retort to anyone questioning his film career. Anyone bold enough to utter "Nic Cage is shit, have you seen Ghost Rider?!" near me will be verbally back-handed with "Go now from my sight and watch Con Air," and, depending on availability, physically backhanded with a dvd of Con Air to further prove my point.

So, the first few scenes centre around Cameron Poe, (Cage) a US Ranger just finishing a tour of duty in what is suggested to have been Operation: Desert Storm. The now State-side Poe comes home to see his lovely, pregnant wife Tricia (Monica Potter) who is currently working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. I'm not singing the rest of that. Anywho, a fight ensues between Poe and a few of the local fellas, during which Lethal Weapon Poe manages to kill one of them. Now, the killing blow was a palm hit to the face, to the sound effect of what appeared to be a shotgun. I can't lie, Cage got stacked for this film, but he still does not have shotgun hands. Hollywood, if you're reading, less Rose McGowen with M16 peg-legs, more Cage with Shotty-Fingers.

It turns out the local judge is also aware of Poe's pump-action palms and declares him a dangerous weapon due to his Ranger training, Poe pleads guilty to manslaughter and gets banged up for 7 years. We see a montage (#We're gonna need a montage.....#) of Poe working out, writing to his daughter and learning Origami and Spanish, generally being the ideal prisoner. Eventually his parole comes around and he's released into the custody of the US Marshal service, for transportation which is where the action really begins. Take note, all of the above takes place within roughly 20 minutes of the film, leaving a full 1hr 30 for plenty of Bunnies to be put back into boxes.

The Lawwwwwww (said in my best Stallone drawl) is aptly represented in the most clichéd Chalk and Cheese pairing I think I've ever enjoyed. John Cusack as the young, sharp as a tac Chalk, U.S. Marshal Vince Larkin, and Colm Meaney as his counter part, the always yelling, '67 Chevy Corvette driving, "shoot first and ask questions later" Cheese, Duncan Malloy. The pseudo-rivalry between the two characters throughout the film is very well portrayed, with Larkin always on the ball but never with enough authority to get much done, and Malloy tearing around in Apache helicopters shouting at most of the Mid-Wests law enforcement officers. Throughout the film The Law is completely removed from the situation, which is obviously taking place on the aircraft, which serves to heighten the tension. From the viewer's perspective we can see Poe and Larkin are sort of on the same "side" as it were, and that Malloy is just swinging his over-sized badge around because he's not getting his way. This serves to invite the viewer to very quickly relate to Larkin.

A smattering of mid-range B-list actors coupled with 3 most defiantly A-listers and the usual "Large White Prisoner #1-4" to make up the numbers, gives a stunning cast of convicts. The most interesting of the B-listers being Dave Chappelle as "Pinball," standard serial offending crack addict and general cannon fodder for comic effect, followed closely by M.C. Gainey's character "Swamp Thing." Now, Gainey is more recently known for his excellent role in "Lost" as Tom, early leader of The Others, and here he's just entertaining whenever he's on screen - usually driving or flying something into things.

The A-listers. Malkovich as the head honcho Cyrus "The Virus" Grissom is exceptional, as Malkovich always is, finding the correct balance between quiet and reserved power, and bursts of shear crazy. The ever-rapy "Johnny 23" (Danny Trejo) is a little under-developed but time has clearly been spent elsewhere, not to the films detriment, and seeing Danny Trejo is usually all you need to do - if we let him act too much, stuff goes all Costa Rica (See: Machete) The other A-lister gets his own paragraph:

Steve Buscemi, ohhhhh how I love Steve Buscemi. In every film I have ever witnessed this great man act. Ghost World, Reservoir Dogs, Armageddon, Fargo, Pulp Fiction, The Sopranos, and more recently Boardwalk Empire. Every time he's exceptional, so I don't really think I need to say much more. He's ridiculously convincing as a mass murderer, the quiet, twisted kind, and this comes across in his complete lack of physical acting. He has few lines, and those he does have he delivers in his trademark way - usually with an air of comic relief, but not so much as to detract from the gravitas of his batshit insanity.

The plot is sound, the various characters are well developed at a comparable pace and everything is neatly tied up at the end, job done. But the 3rd act. Wow. Without having to plaster spoiler warnings all over this I'll try and summarise this epic "How To Do An Action Film" collection of scenes.

So, the plane eventually is landed, and the convicts set about attempting to escape again to sunnier shores. At the same time The Law is bearing down on them. Cyrus decides to set a trap for the oncoming National Guard and Police forces. What follows is a very well put together, well shot and entertaining ambush and subsequent shootout. The kind that should be present in most action films, but sadly are replaced by the actor (usually with the largest pay packet) destroying entire divisions of nameless troops, usually with some big explosions and ripping one-liners.

From the ashes of the ambush, a aerial chase develops, between the plane, two Apache helicopters, and Malloy's '67 Chevy Corvette. All of this takes place in the air. Don't ask, watch the film. Eventually this chase culminates in a crash landing across The Strip in Las Vegas, a very well represented sequence for 1997. Thats right, 1997. The year The Phantom Menace came out. Remember that far back? I swear to god I date everything by Lucas Disappointments these days.

Anyway, personal rage aside, another chase ensues, having given up on attempting to fly a place down a highway, M.C. Gainey decides to drive a firetruck through a tunnel, whilst Poe and Cyrus duke it out on the trucks ladder. Now, Cyrus appears to have a quick change of character here, to Captain Ahab. From the realms of the Netherworld he pulls what I can only call a fish-halberd, and begins to harass Poe, who is currently hanging underneath the ladder by one of his gristly, prison-built arms. Eventually, as expected, Poe gets the better of Cyrus and hand cuffs him to the ladder, which is then driven through an overhanging hotel. Job done, I hear you cry, but no. Director Simon West (Tomb Raider, The Mechanic) didn't want to leave anything up to chance. A pneumatic....hydraulic.....nuclear....well its something, and its big and heavy and pounds things into the ground, anyway, it destroys Cyrus' head. Breath a sigh of relief, Mr West, the audience knows he's completely killed to death and died from it to boot.

Overall, if you want the footnotes, this has shot right into my top 5 action movies I've ever seen. Now action movies are not something I generally rate very much, nor watch very much, but this one sure as hell gets my vote. Watch it if you like Cage. Watch it if you like Malkovich. Watch it if you don't like either of them, because after this you will.


Two things, two tiny things, before we wrap this up, that need mentioning about this film. 1) That haircut. I mean, Jesus look at it. It's like someone grafted an alien species onto the back of his head. 2) The theme song; Trisha Yearwood - How Do I Live. Good grief, what a shining example of epic 90s pop music this is. A better time.

Bangkok Dangerous (2008)

Shut it. I'm a fan of Nicolas Cage through and through and this film is a testament to his talent......which is then smothered in poor story and direction.

Ok, overview. Cage is Joe; an assassin who is completely removed from life, people, relationships everything apart from the job. He has 4 rules he sticks to, the same old "hard man" ethics that Stathem, Oliphant and Jones do so much better. Joe is asked to do 4 jobs in Bangkok, the films begins with him setting himself up with a stately home, a few super bikes and a local contact, Kong, (Shahkrit Yamnarm) a street dealer whom Joe pays for deliveries and information.

This thread of the story is good quality action film material. Everything, however, goes a little Soviet-Constructed-Reactor when writers/directors Pang & Pang attempt to introduce romance to BOTH Joe and Kong at the same time. Kong hits on a stripper, Joe awkwardly attempts to bump uglies with a deaf or mute (i can't tell from the film) pharmacist's assistant. This is awful. No other way to put it. It's obviously an attempt to show a human side to Joe as well as a caring more romantic side to Kong. Quite honestly it detracts from the gravitas of the film, effectively showing Joe in two very different lights which don't mesh well at all.

The "local talent" of Thai actors are the saving grace of this film. Mob bosses, support actors and general cast are all very talented actors and deserve credit for their performances in supporting Cage through this difficult film. Interestingly enough Cage is listed as a Producer. This might explain why his role in the film is less the "classic Cage" we know and (I) love and more emotionally accessible.

It's an 18 for 4 scenes of bloody violence in the film and nothing else, nearly no sex, very little swearing etc which raises the question why not play the gore card more? There are plenty of opportunities to make the shoot-outs more like "Lucky Number Sleven" or "Shooting Aces" - in my opinion it should be a 12 if you wipe away the blood splatters.

The action elements, chase scenes, gun fights etc are adequate but clichéd. A motorbike chasing a boat along a tight river is not exactly The Matrix style originality. The final sequence however is different, very well acted and very well directed - a gleaming gem in the film.

A film for torrenting if action films are your thing, i wouldn't pay money for it in cinemas nor rent it. Defiantly not one to add to the Cage Collection of Gold though, which for me contains the National Treasure films, Next, Ghost Rider, Face/Off and Knowing (feel free to hate me from a distance for those choices)